what a party

[note: pictures added for indignation factor]

i don't even know where to start. on saturday we went to a birthday party for one of the monster's classmates - it was our first, and i was completely unprepared. i had insisted that we go. the monster is still too little to really care one way or the other, and the last thing f. wanted to do was to drive to the city for a preschooler birthday party for a little girl we barely know. but, i argued, it would be a chance for us to meet some of the other parents, maybe there's an interesting one lurking in there. plus, it would be good for the monster to do some socializing outside of school. he doesn't have anyone to play with where we live.

okay, so i know that our resistance to the imposition of highly structured gender norms on 3-year-olds is wacky here in macondo, as is the absence of television in our house, our blissful ignorance about ben10 and stephanie and the like, and the monster's inexperience with cheesies and coca-cola. and i knew that this birthday encounter would be one of our first steps towards that moment when we will eventually say no, this is not what we believe in, this is not what we want for our family.

i know our time is limited as we learn and prepare for that moment, when the monster starts to become part of this place and want the toys, the tv, the food, the lack of seatbelts that his friends have. i know we'll have to find a reasonable balance - between okay, i guess there's no harm done, and no, we don't do that in this family - so that he can interact with other kids and enjoy their play, get their jokes, share in the fun.

i've already come a long way in accepting that i will have to make these compromises, somewhat encouraged by the (wavering) belief that in the long run, we will still have an important influence on the people our little monster and monkey will become. we can still expose them to diversity, to critical thinking, to solidarity, to ideas about justice and dignity and rights.

i have no doubt that as they grow, this will be our biggest challenge. i think that would be true for us in any community, anywhere in the world, but here in macondo it promises to knock the wind out of me at every turn.

so back to the birthday party. they rented out a pelotero - standard birthday party tradition here - a place with lots of balls, tunnels, ramps, slides, trampolines, like a really well-equipped mcplayland...

the only conversation we had (not because i'm a grump, but the music was too loud!):

f. to one of the monster's classmates: wow, i heard that you sleep alone in your room now!

classmate's mom: oh, you heard? yeah, she got a television and dvd player as a present, so we took advantage of the moment and set them up in her room. [us: what??? she's 3 years old!!!]

f. to little girl: ahh, so now you can watch tv in your room, eh? what do you watch?

girl: hi 5. [us: what's that?]

mom of a different classmate: ah, all the kids are crazy about that.

now i just can't figure out how i could have participated in that conversation in any kind of sincere way, beyond sharing the little girl's pride in her sleeping alone accomplishment.

a few snippets:

- very loud and bad pop music blaring from the speakers the whole time, like at a bar you decide not to go to with your friends when you want to actually talk and not just dance, because you'll have to yell all night (what about protecting our kids' hearing? what about playing some kids' music? they're 3 years old!!!)

- time to break the piñatas - first distribute plastic ben10 bags to the boys and stephanie bags to the girls. be sure not to make any mistakes!

- time to sing happy birthday. no wait, they just blare a recording of happy birthday through the sound system.

- time to cut the cake. no wait, first get out the full-size ben10 and stephanie cardboard cutouts, set off nicely with green balloons on the boys' side and pink balloons on the girls' side (i must admit that despite my interest in reporting on this important occasion, i didn't get close enough to this whole spectacle to inspect the cake, but i'm sure our imagination will suffice).

- moms were all dressed up, wearing high heels (oops, are flip flops okay too?)

- many little girls were wearing looooong pink and/or white frilly dresses down to their ankles noticeably getting in the way of climbing and running.

- ALL girls except for 3 were wearing pink and white - some were quite comfortable, but its prevalence made it seem like a uniform.

- boys were all dressed differently - some more and some less formally, but no discernible uniform.

- loot bags for boys were decorated with ben10 stickers, with candies and a ben10 toy inside. loot bags for girls had stephanie stickers, with candies and a tiara-like hair thing inside.

- there were also ben10 'colouring books' for the boys - i heard the birthday girl ask her mom for one and her mom said 'no silly, they're for boys.' full of stimulating material like drawings of ben 10's sidekick girl with her unbelievable boobs and activities like 'colour in ben10's watch' and other advertising.

i have to stop here. i'm still processing it all. it made me want to have a little girl so i could raise her differently and so my boys could see how girls don't have to be subject to that. and it made me tentatively thankful (but still wistful) that while i have the daunting task of raising feminist boys in this setting, i don't have to face sending a girl of my own into that princess jungle.

why a blog?

so, what i really want to write here might take quite a long time, but i have to start somewhere.

part of this is a response to my sudden and overwhelming need to 'get organized' and make lists and sort out my stuff--which probably had a lot to do with finally being somewhat settled here, yet living in total day-to-day chaos and not being able to get meals on the table or sweep the floor, not to mention Be With the Kids or Enjoy Time With F. it felt good to think about what i needed to do to make things work and to try to do them--sort out a routine, do some bulk cooking for the freezer, make a real effort to keep the house organized and clean all the time, go for walks on the beach in the mornings, do some squats and situps sometimes...

i also started reading some online mama blogs that made me want to write. i always want to write, and never never do. ever. the closest i get is the occasional long email, which i also don't do enough of, but is also not quite the same. i feel like maybe if i create this space where i can write--online, since i spend lots of time online anyways and have already proven to myself over and over again that as much as i really like beautiful notebooks and diaries, i haven't actually used one in more than ten years--and if i work to create a habit of writing somewhat regularly, and freely (not like i always have in the past, thinking that first i have to catch up, get up to date, give all the background info, and then never actually get there), then, eventually and occasionally, i might write something good or interesting or worthwhile. i might get some good practice, and start writing better, or differently. or maybe--hopefully--i might stumble upon a great idea i can get all excited about for a phd or some other worthwhile project. so...that is the idea. of course i get carried away with all the little fiddly procrastinatey things i can do here too, but i do hope to actually start writing, both for diary-type reasons and as writing practice.

plus, if i'm not going to have any real friends here, maybe forever, i can only imagine that i'll really need this space!

writing about sadness

i just read a post by my dearest friend about depression, and along with the million other things it triggered for me (don't be sad dear friend; i'm so sad you're sad; of course you're sad, you're a new mom; you've always amazed me with what smart and courageous things you do with/for yourself when you're sad; how i wish we could have a good cry and laugh together) i also realized that i haven't ever really written anything here about my sadness.

i write when i'm happy, or when i have something funny or interesting or worth remembering to write down, or when i'm sad but too busy to get into any of it. even though that was partially the point of starting to write here.

why don't i write here when i'm sad? where would i start? i don't know where the sadness really comes from. it can't be in the silly little things that set me off - the preschooler tantrums, the unswept floor, the unrelenting pressure to cook endless meals, my inability to get certain 'me' things done (exercise, reading, writing). even just writing that short list of 'silly little things' is frustrating, because all of those things are confined to the tiny little sphere of domestic mommy chaos, which takes up a lot of my life but definitely not all of my brain or all of my sadness. of course life is complicated and messy and i could go on and on about all these details and less mundane ones, and i'm sure i will, but i'm not sure if that will take me anywhere.

but i'll try and see what happens. i've had an idea for a few days now, to write a post about everything that sucks, and another one about everything that's great. they're both true at the same time, and each prevents me from understanding the other. and then, of course, there's all those shades of grey.

and green... it's not easy being green.

grown-up time, motherhood & rural poverty

so this is what can happen given a little bit of one-on-one grown-up time, especially when the grown up is my very favourite person and partner:

i can occasionally use my brain
i can laugh
i can catch up and be caught up on a million details that slip through our fingers all the time
i can share quiet moments, without stuffing them full of everything else we've been needing to say, do, consult, debate, figure out

given that we were in the car, the kids were both asleep, and we were waiting for a. to sign the contract for her apartment and therefore couldn't go anywhere or do anything other than sit in the car (otherwise we might have chosen to sleep, clean the house, catch up on email, have sex), we actually just shot the shit for almost an hour, and it was awesome.

i also started to get a tiny little inkling of a possible research idea. not even necessarily for a phd, but maybe just to try to collect some research and write a paper, as part of the UPA. it would be interesting, and would bring more social, qualitative research to UPA. it would also make me a 'researcher' and not just the computer person, and could lead to good contacts for an eventual phd. it's also more socially 'useful' than my other ideas tend to be, though if i turn it into a phd i'd want to add some more social/cultural/media analysis too.

yay for grown-ups, and a little bit of brain activity. it does me good.

so the idea would be to use interviews and/or workshops to ask/answer: what resources are needed to support women through pregnancy and/or early motherhood?

i'd have to limit things in a bunch of ways - age of moms (probably i'd do teen); pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, general early days/months/years of motherhood, etc. it would inevitably include medical care and medical info and all that, but i'm especially interested in community/family resources: other women, radio programs, neighbourhood spaces, i really have no idea. the poverty here makes it likely that the most basic, obvious things (like access to water, good nutrition, not burning garbage, etc.) will be the most important and might block out coming across other, maybe less important but still interesting and necessary things. but i still think it would be worthwhile and interesting, and i would so love it if it could develop into something like a weekly drop-in in one of the salitas, or something like that. as with everything else here, people would probably only go if we could offer milk or something else they need, but fair enough. maybe i can figure that out somehow.

a routine - ha!

originally posted on august 8, 2009

i'm nowhere close to this, but it's what i feel like i'd need to do to stay on top of things and not live in total chaos. maybe if we get some house & kid help i can scratch some of these things off my list. not to mention add some better things - like swap washing the dishes 6 times a day for reading something worthwhile, playing with the kids...

all this is assuming that the monster is in school all morning, which hopefully will be the case as of monday. of course nursing, changing diapers, lugging around, playing with and otherwise entertaining the baby mean that i never get to half of this stuff anyways. how do people do it?

MORNING

breakfast
walk to beach
20 min exercise
prepare lunch
prepare something for dinner or for another day
15 min house cleaning task
clean toilet/bathroom
computer stuff - email, newspapers, etc.

AFTERNOON

trabajito or outside play or beach
snack

EVENING

sweep
dishes
table
bathroom sink
kids' clothes
declutter house
prepare trabajito or other activity for the monster

WEEKLY

laundry
1 hr declutter
wash floors
shop
2 blog posts
run a few times

provoking

monster, you drove me crazy today. acting out - behaving badly - whatever it's called, not because you wanted to do things that i didn't want you to do, but just to provoke me and see what would happen. to get in trouble. to force things. so me, knowing this means you need more attention and patience and not less, try and try to be good-humoured, patient, forgiving. i do it all unsuccessfully, partly because i'm terrible at it, partly because i'm way too tired. hopefully it was just a day. a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day. it wasn't even thaaat bad. but i hope it's not the start of another bad bunch of days/weeks. please no!

class issues in macondo

cut and pasted from a recent email to a dear friend:

i've been asked to submit an estimate to translate a book (530 pages) by the vice-pres of Bolivia, a marxist sociologist. very dense and intimidating, but it would be cool. i have no idea if it will happen, but if it does we'll need to hire someone in the mornings to help me with the baby and the house. i would work at home and be here to nurse him and for little breaks, but would be able to hide away and work too. i think it's the only way to make it work (until now i've been doing all my work in naptime or after bedtime, which is just TOO MUCH), but it's not issue-free. obviously there's the problem of finding the right person. but it's also loaded with so many class issues here. it's a perfectly normal kind of arrangement here, but the perfectly normal thing would be to pay total crap and basically have a servant that i could choose to 'treat like a member of the family' or not. ick. i don't know how to get around it. we want to pay well and respect the important work they'd be doing and provide job security and the rest - but apparently this comes across as if we have so much money that we don't care how much we spend and it doesn't matter to us and it sets us apart in ways that people don't respect. it widens the class difference even more and shoves us into an extreme elite category, or something like that.

i've come up against all these class issues in another way. down the street there are a bunch of kids the monster's age. but he has never once spoken with them. so far, it just hasn't happened. he's made friends with some of the other neighbourhood kids that are 'weekenders' - they come to a house here on weekends (it's kind of like cottage country). but the locals, that live here all week long, have different customs, education, housing environments, etc. f.'s example: their kids play with cow poo in dirty puddles in front of their houses, with no adult supervision. my way more first world example: everyone in the house probably smokes, there could be loaded guns in there for all i know (this may even be true in the weekenders' houses, actually). BUT, they're our neighbours, and the monster could use some playmates, and this is where we live. i don't know where to go with it...

a list i like: how to be a good friend to a parent

procrastinate-y blog-reading led me to this great list, from here:

Concrete things you can do to support parents/or childcare givers and children in your community.

• Give children attention; talk to them, not about them, in a regular voice.
• Don’t get upset if they don’t want to talk to you when you do.
• Develop a consistent relationship with the children in your life. Set up a weekly or monthly date with a child.
• Speak up for childcare issues in all areas of what you do. Don’t let it fall to the parent to have to ask about childcare, or if it is a child friendly event.
• In general, feel free to ask a parent or childcare giver if you can help out when you see them “multi-tasking” (code word for overwhelmed, freaking out, having a melt down), and of course be gracious if they say no thank you.
• Smile at parents.
• Remember parenting doesn’t equal mothering; ask fathers how they are feeling as well.
• If you are throwing a party, hosting a meeting, planning a running street protest, announce that it is or is not a child friendly event. And if for some reason the event is not, make sure you are prepared to help parents stay involved: child care, classes for older kids.
• Create a space for children in your home: have some books to read and a toy or two to share when some little one (or not so little) comes over.
• Look at the world from child’s height
• Know how to change a diaper
• If you’re dating a parent offer to chip in on childcare costs while on a date
• Call your own parents regularly: remember you were a child
• Take the initiative to invite parents to events or to just hang out, even if they decline…parents often feel isolated.
• Remember parenting doesn’t end with infancy; parents of older children need allies too.
• And of course buy yourself and parents alternative books and zines about parenting…yes shameless plug

huevos

i asked the señora around the corner for some eggs.

- oh, eggs no, not until tomorrow.

- oh, that's too bad. oh well.

- blah blah (inentendible, she speaks too fast for me) blancos, blah blah.

- qué?

- i don't have any eggs. but i can give you some white ones.

- ah, okay, that would be great.

- we go to the city to get the red ones.

- oohhhh.

a great day

unfortunately no time for the long, rambling entry that i feel like writing. i also feel like getting into bed while f. is still awake. all the schools have been cancelled until after winter vacation - 4 weeks - because of swine flu. this instilled a great deal of panic in me and led to a few terrible days of me feeling like a terrible parent, the monster being bored and restless, and my rhythm with the monkey and the house and writing and emailing and exercising going way downhill. not that it was all sorted out, but it was going somewhere.

anyways, today was awesome, the monster did an adorable trabajito with me in the morning, then for a walk with his papi and saw a toucan and collected leaves and branches and things. i played with the monkey in the sun, went walking (all he wants to do), and cleaned up a bit. during naptime i went for a run! the first time since i've been here! it felt so good, and i want to do it as much as i can. just me on the beach in the sun, running, stretching, 45 minutes alone! wow. then i took the monster for a walk, we went to the librería and bought some materials (they didn't have half of what i wanted) to start a School is Cancelled scrapbook with the monster, documenting his activities.

i want to write about the past few days, what's been getting me down, hard to put my finger on but writing would help i'm sure. but the big picture: 2 awesome kids, f. is awesome, this place is beautiful. i keep coming back to that, even though i sometimes find the day to day challenging/difficult.

okay, it'll have to wait.