so, what i really want to write here might take quite a long time, but i have to start somewhere.
part of this is a response to my sudden and overwhelming need to 'get organized' and make lists and sort out my stuff--which probably had a lot to do with finally being somewhat settled here, yet living in total day-to-day chaos and not being able to get meals on the table or sweep the floor, not to mention Be With the Kids or Enjoy Time With F. it felt good to think about what i needed to do to make things work and to try to do them--sort out a routine, do some bulk cooking for the freezer, make a real effort to keep the house organized and clean all the time, go for walks on the beach in the mornings, do some squats and situps sometimes...
i also started reading some online mama blogs that made me want to write. i always want to write, and never never do. ever. the closest i get is the occasional long email, which i also don't do enough of, but is also not quite the same. i feel like maybe if i create this space where i can write--online, since i spend lots of time online anyways and have already proven to myself over and over again that as much as i really like beautiful notebooks and diaries, i haven't actually used one in more than ten years--and if i work to create a habit of writing somewhat regularly, and freely (not like i always have in the past, thinking that first i have to catch up, get up to date, give all the background info, and then never actually get there), then, eventually and occasionally, i might write something good or interesting or worthwhile. i might get some good practice, and start writing better, or differently. or maybe--hopefully--i might stumble upon a great idea i can get all excited about for a phd or some other worthwhile project. so...that is the idea. of course i get carried away with all the little fiddly procrastinatey things i can do here too, but i do hope to actually start writing, both for diary-type reasons and as writing practice.
plus, if i'm not going to have any real friends here, maybe forever, i can only imagine that i'll really need this space!