i just read a post by my dearest friend about depression, and along with the million other things it triggered for me (don't be sad dear friend; i'm so sad you're sad; of course you're sad, you're a new mom; you've always amazed me with what smart and courageous things you do with/for yourself when you're sad; how i wish we could have a good cry and laugh together) i also realized that i haven't ever really written anything here about my sadness.
i write when i'm happy, or when i have something funny or interesting or worth remembering to write down, or when i'm sad but too busy to get into any of it. even though that was partially the point of starting to write here.
why don't i write here when i'm sad? where would i start? i don't know where the sadness really comes from. it can't be in the silly little things that set me off - the preschooler tantrums, the unswept floor, the unrelenting pressure to cook endless meals, my inability to get certain 'me' things done (exercise, reading, writing). even just writing that short list of 'silly little things' is frustrating, because all of those things are confined to the tiny little sphere of domestic mommy chaos, which takes up a lot of my life but definitely not all of my brain or all of my sadness. of course life is complicated and messy and i could go on and on about all these details and less mundane ones, and i'm sure i will, but i'm not sure if that will take me anywhere.
but i'll try and see what happens. i've had an idea for a few days now, to write a post about everything that sucks, and another one about everything that's great. they're both true at the same time, and each prevents me from understanding the other. and then, of course, there's all those shades of grey.
and green... it's not easy being green.