Okay, but before I share the story, I have a bit of explaining to do. Consider it setting the stage.
I birthed the Monster at home, as planned, with my partner and our midwives. It is, like every birth story, unique, scattered, chaotic, overwhelming, quite impossible for me to really describe.
When I went into labour, I had the intense feeling that I wasn't ready yet. It was only 5 days until my due date, but my midwives had been sure that I would be 'late', rather than 'early'. I had only just stopped working the week before. Three days earlier my midwife had assured me that the baby's head still hadn't even dropped.
We were prepared, though, if such a thing is possible. Our home-birth kit was ready - garbage bags, blue pads, olive oil, plastic sheeting, bending straws... We had done a midwife-based birthing preparation course, which was awesome. I had read Birthing from Within
(affiliate link), which I highly recommend.But I hadn't yet gotten my head around the idea of soon being not-pregnant, soon being a mom. I also hadn't yet really slowed down my thoughts to try to prepare myself for the physical ordeal I would soon face.
So my first reaction to those first contractions was NOOOOO, NOT YET. I still want to think about this a little longer.
As it turned out, my birth was very speedy, what they call precipitous labour - less than three hours of active labour for a first-time mom. And though I am glad it did not last several days, and I am thrilled that I laboured naturally and delivered my baby without any drugs and in the coziness of my own living room, birthing so quickly did not make for an easy birth experience. It was too fast.
Very fast births can be traumatic.
Yes, the outcome was perfect. And the experience was beautiful and powerful and raw.
But, it was also like getting run over by a truck. In fact, and possibly unrelated to the speed of my labour, I broke my tailbone during labour, which slowed down my recovery and kept me in pain (and, in retrospect, shock) for weeks after my Monster was born.
The birth was beautiful, and I am proud of my body and its strength. I only emphasize the fact that there was trauma because everybody's reaction to news of a fast birth is, lucky you.
Three hours might be a perfect length for a quick and straightforward second birth (wait 'til I tell you how long my second birth lasted), but it was just so, so, so fast for a first birth.
I have a theory about this. It probably isn't very original or anything, but maybe because I have heard and read very little about precipitous labour, I haven't come across this anywhere else.
My theory goes like this. You know the zone you're supposed to get yourself into while you labour? All those endorphins pumping through you are supposed to help you float off into labour land. Your body and mind start to flow with the rhythm of your contractions. Nobody claims that it feels delightful or anything, but that the zone helps you to cope. This natural druggy state is also credited with why so many women have only foggy memories of their births afterward, and their experience of pain quickly becomes hazy and vague.
Well, with no time for your body to produce those endorphins, and no actual rhythm to try to flow with, the pain and intensity are all felt more acutely, and there is no time to focus, to relax, to brace yourself, to allow yourself to open.
It is violent. That is how it felt. And I remember it in all its pain and glory.
I have absolutely no idea how I would have dealt with a different type of birth, a slower one that might have allowed me to get into a zone, to inhabit labour land for a while. I might have had time to use the kiddie pool we were going to fill up for me to labour in (or to even remember that we had it). I might have actually made the empanadas we were going to make for our midwives as our project for early labour. I might have opted for drugs or a hospital transfer. I might have just had more time to freak out.
Once again, yes yes yes, it was also beautiful. And I am proud. And I am very happy not to have any regrets about my choices. I had the home birth I had dreamed of. My baby was healthy and beautiful. My partner was a superstar, my midwives were compassionate and competent. Luckily, happily, it all worked out wonderfully. In this sense, yes, calling my birth experience lucky is quite appropriate.
But not because it was so fast.
Now, with that wordy and anti-climactic caveat out of the way, here is the Monster's actual birth story.
4 comments:
First - Happy 4 Years a Mama Birthday!! I remember the day like it was yesterday. I remember the phone call where you told me you think you are in labour. I remember Monster as tiny as can be the first time I saw him. Wow! 4 Years ago!!!
Second - consider yourself lucky that you feel proud, made the right decisions, had the home birth you wanted, that your body was strong. That is a blessing. Who cares what people say. You and I (and anyone close to you) know that the speed of Monster coming into the world was a trauma and shock. I suspect that every birth has it's own brand of trauma and shock, all different intensities. Your birth story is beautiful. You are beautiful. And no one can take away your unique story with a wave of the hand and a "lucky you" based on an hour count.
Thanks Julie. Of course I thought about you lots while I wrote this post. You have always understood this trauma of mine, somehow. Even before you experienced your own birth trauma, so different from mine.
As you know, I love you to pieces, my friend.
Were you scared? I'm so afraid of having children, I keep pushing it back a couple of years. Is 32 a good age to have kids if you are healthy?
Wiffette - yes, I was scared. Even more so the second time around. And it doesn't end there - there is so much to be scared of after the birth, for the rest of your life. But of course there are lots of joys, too (there really is no non-cheesy way to say that, I think).
I was almost 33 when I had the Monster, and 35 when I had the Monkey. I know lots of people who didn't have their first until 35-40 - I wouldn't worry about age at all in your 30s, personally.
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